a space for nurturing authenticity

Month: November 2014

The Perfect Day

Affairs have proven a bit bumpy lately.
Layoffs.
Cancer.
Lease takeovers.
Family squabbles.
Looking for life direction…
To name a few.

The fact of the matter, which is so ironically beautiful about all the craziness is: We have a choice. Happiness.

Now as I write this, it is not to say I have not spent a day or two in the pits of trepidation because I have, and its odor’s foul, its grasp crippling. Stress crawls up my spine and I want to yell into the streets, “EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE!” My neighbor sees it in my face. My mom hears it my voice over the lines of the telephone. Plans change so quickly from one moment to the next that there seems no plan, and those around us want to know what course of action we are going to take. I don’t have a plan etched in concrete. How am I suppose to hand one over to you? “You’re in the dark sister?” That makes us the happy couple with a blindfold on.

Circumstances change. Change is the way of the world. I must put my big-girl pants on as challenges ensue. And when I do, it is of benefit to slap a smile across my face too. Happiness doesn’t wait for perfect, unchanging circumstances. Happiness is the gift of the present. I am responsible for unwrapping the gift and wearing its bow around my head instead of donning the look of dread.

So put my big-girl pants on I did, and my scarf, gloves, boots… winter head wrap, all for a trek into the city to whip up a bit of happiness out of the scrambled rut my partner and I had been in. We Metro’d (my new favorite way to travel) into the District of Columbia. We were going to lose ourselves in art and invention. Our first stop was the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum. Sensory overload took its course, and among the bustle which is a crowded museum, the most impactful display for the both of us was the model of the solar system. It is incredible just how small we are in the scheme of things. My problems are nothing when Earth is minute compared to Jupiter.

Next we journeyed to The National Gallery of Art. I love Art Galleries. They remind me of my passion for the creative. The pieces convey stories I could easily lose myself in. The stare of paintings dating back hundreds of years further evokes the magnitude of existence. All time is one. My William found himself his favored painting. Upon his discovery he literally gasped in inspiration. The piece called, The Juniata, Evening by Thomas Moran depicts a serene mountain range opening itself up into a luscious valley. At the opening of the valley stands a painter painting the scene viewed in the painting. Theoretically, inside the painter’s painting, there is another painter painting the very same picture, and so on. The idea expands infinitely. Boom.

All time is one.

I walk into one of the last rooms of the East wing of the classically magnificent gallery and to my astonishment my eyes found my picture. And when I say my picture, I mean the painting William sent me a photo of months back. Little Girl in a Blue Armchair by Mary Cassatt depicts a dog that looks just like my Mr. Yorkie. If I believed in past lives (and I do), I’d say the photo is of me as a girl with my Mr. Yorkie 136 years ago. Uncoincidentally, that very morning I shared with William my notion that Mr. Yorkie and I had lived another life together and we had found each other once more. It was a Utopian occurrence. Neither William nor myself felt inclined to explore the other wing of the gallery. We had met the climax. Everything was copacetic.

And so it goes… with everything falling in the order it should fall, finding Universal perfection in our perfectly bumpy human adventure. That is something worth being thankful for.

Secret Life

I have a secret life.
Walter Mitty does.
You do too.
It’s back there in the corner of consciousness
That I think about my secrets
Hidden beneath the layers lived.
Sometimes they make me chuckle.
Others make me long
To rewind the time.
To redo the moments passed in vain.
The hours wallowed in deep despair.
How many times I woke up dead.
When I lost my game because I did not stay
On the field.
The times I played no defense..
My inclination to run.
My vasa fills with regret
Reflecting a disdain
For choices made
Plucked like petals falling from the vine
With a pygmy intention of where to land.

A life of purpose.
Seized and captivated.
My my my
My my my
My
My
I am not sure I ever know the way.
Patience teaches her lessons
As I learn from her wisdom day by day.
Diems pass.
And so it goes.
We lose our jobs.
Our brother.
A toe.
Did you live it?
Did you feel?
Or did you get drunk behind the wheel
And lash out violently
Harsh in words and actions
Once more.
Those things you can’t take back;
They’ll come haunting
Because with them comes a promise
To never leave,
Even when you thought you could shut the door.

No more
No more
Live no longer
With regret anymore.
It’s these moments so pure
When you spilling your heart out on your bedroom floor.
The pump of your blood flows heated, warm
As the rhyme comes to you through the stillness
In quietness of your bed.
Hop on the jet.
Don’t let another minute make you upset.
Grab your coffee.
Drink your tea.
In relish
For it might be your last to foresee.
A simple Sunday
To relax,
Recharge,
And connect to deeper purpose
So you may awaken tomorrow
Enthused with the quintessence of heaven within

The sun beats its rays down your cheek
Freckles frosted across your face
You breathe
All is okay
A deep inhale
And with the exhale you unfold
The latent talents
Which exist in your secret life
Right here
Blossoming,
Manifested in the moment here
The moment now
Tap tap tap
Goes the rain

Dia de Los Muertos

November 1 & 2, 2013

After years of scholastic Spanish influence in my life, I cannot not happen to pass November 1 & 2 without pause and commemoration of Dia de los Muertos. Dia de los Muertos, with indigenous origins from the Aztec festival for Mictecacihuatl, The Lady of The Dead, and Catholic origins from the Spanish conquistadors’ All Saints and All Souls Day, marks an occasion to celebrate the deceased. Loved ones erect vigils to honor their memory. Celebrations flood homes and cemeteries. Candied or paper machete Skeletons adorn as the reigning mascot.

Yesterday, I removed my childhood Boo-to-You-Too Witch hanging from my front door and replaced it with Mr. Bones, my home’s beloved figurine for Dia de Los Muertos, who dons Indian garb in honor of his Aztec roots. Mr. Bones and my hanging wooden skull that I crafted  in elementary school reminds of what this holiday is all about: Remembering those who have lived, and to live the life before me fully. The holiday’s dates are àpropos backed up behind the fancies of Halloween, where death reflects as something fearful. Is death something to be feared? Or a passing of celebration?  Is there a balance between the two emotions? I seem to grapple with both, and frankly the grappling of such deep issues occurred regularly for me in the past year.

I am afraid. I am afraid for my loved ones to die.

I am afraid.

I am afraid to pass away before I complete all the magnificent endeavors I yearn. I have lived in fear for some time. I guess that happens when you board an airplane to travel 3,000 miles to see your brother, who’s more like your triplet, when you are not sure the sight of his beautiful face will be one of him cold and dead, or warm and alive. This is the electricity which runs through my bones. I long to do it all. Live it all. Hug them all. Breathe it all in before I am gone…

Because then, what am I?

November 1, known specifically as Dia de los Angelitos, designates the little children (or angels) who have passed. November 2, marks the arrival of the adult souls… The ironic thing about the placing of the dates for me is most of my encounters with death have met the caress of the fall. Moreover, my aunt’s birthday anniversary coincides with Dia de los Muertos (she lost her life to many causes a few years ago).  One of the most pivotal childhood relationships in my screen play parted ways with its main character in late October many sunsets ago. My fairy godmother flew away during a fall semester of college. I boarded the plane to seek my brother on a late August afternoon.

Where have you found death? And, perhaps more importantly, where has it found you?

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