I lost my panties
I thought you knew
I couldn’t find them
I thought you knew
I rummaged my gym bag,
Its pockets, my shoes
I lost my panties…
So commando I stand
Before you
I begin this blog post by going commando to show a point:
At times we lose our shit, whether it be a tangible item, a mental moment, or a spiritual path, sometimes the way, our way feels lost. I felt like this yesterday, BIG TIME. First of all, something was off. I felt lagging in many aspects of existence. Taxes to do, school to investigate, pet care research, business construction, books and workouts to write, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. All of the sudden those tasks pile up so high, I become buried in them. Been there? It can mess with the head. I use to hate when I felt like this. I evolved to believe it is constructive to experience these sorts of days to learn how to deal with the emotions. Yes, I may feel buried by my goals, my desires, my life-long list of things to do, and the weight may promote weary and doubt, sometimes even momentary defeat. It is what I do with these emotions that counts. Do I stand up tall, weight and all, walk forward, and persevere? You bet my commando ass I do, and it makes me stronger.
Look, no one has it all together. Stop comparing to the Instagrams, the Facebook photo-opps, the viral sensations — the Corporate sector positions I contemplate filling, while the very breath of my being undergoes a cessation. I feel mad. I feel lost and crazy like I have not a damn clue what I am actually doing with this vehicle of a life I drive. Which way to turn? No idea. Right, left, straight; it all sounds the same in this crazy game. Blood pressure heightens, stresses increase, and all of a sudden, the realization I carry deep within strikes: I do not have to exist as any of this, any of what I am not. I am not Corporate. I am not a straight line in the sand of time. I am creation. I am an artist. When I follow this gushing heart inside whispering these aide-mémoirs, I calm. The breath carries me through.
My yoga practice continues to teach me how to maneuver through these emotions: Through adversity, though difficulties, through other’s actions we cannot change. Recently I showered in my brother’s bathroom, and as I washed, I looked up to find a self-made plaque hung above the shower head displaying the Serenity Prayer:
“God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference…”
Through the wine we drank of another’s vintage, through the layoffs, judgments, and diagnoses.. Through the drama, the bullshit, and the silver linings, come back to the breath to find the calm. In the world’s fury, when everything seems hazy-blurry, come back to the breath. The breath leads the way, a beacon, a light, on the stormiest day. They may hold jealously for the wind; they may not understand. All you need is breath to hold your hand. Keep breath’s grip, don’t let it go when challenges plummet upon you like snow.
“…Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace…”
I conversed with a dear friend, one of my brides-maids-to-be the other day, and she summarized what I have experienced like this, “You can have a pencil and a paper and be writing a plan and life will come by with its big eraser and erase what you’ve devised.” It is true. It is also true this does not mean one should not have a plan. It is just to say you may have worn your panties to the gym, you may have planned on wearing them out, but life knew your need for freedom…
… Your need to go commando under those blue jeans.