My husband asked me to take a photo of the sky this past Saturday. I am grateful he did. As I look back on the sunset images, I am reminded the universe continuously nudges me as I traipse along. For me, this image reflected something greater, perhaps even Winnie herself, winking at us.
I cannot believe 2020 is here for many reasons. 2019 is a bittersweet chapter in our book of life: The year we met our daughter and the year we faced the arduous journey of learning to live without her. For us, there is not a feeling of “Good Riddance to 2019” or “Happy New Year 2020” because a considerable portion of ourselves never wishes to leave the year behind, nor will we. We carry it with us… all the magnificence and adversity.
Consider this a disclaimer. I will never stop honoring or talking about 2019 or all of its subsequent lessons in love, grief, and loss. In the last ten months, we have experienced what feels like a lifetime. One of the layers of experience include an unknowing and awkwardness from many friends, colleagues, community members, and family in how to support us. Sometimes these tendencies have shown up in unhelpful ways such as anger and avoidance. There is a preferred, more holistic, and healing way to channel this uncertainty.
In fact, start with the breath. Drink in a few deep inhalations accompanied by complete exhalations. You can do this. You are a comforting supporter. Humanity is elevated as a result.
The following are a few options to consider as you support those enduring the hardships of loss:
No loss is the same
Grief is permanent
Some losses never heal
Listening is one of the best gifts to offer the grieving
Offer to attend a support group with the bereaved
Loss is not contagious
Make good on your offers
Although hard, just try to imagine what the loss may feel like to endure
At times, survivors can perceive only holding two choices: to opt out or hang on which requires facing reintegration
Reintegration is the process of relearning to live and interact with the world as it is, without the person they love in it
Reintegration is not kind but rather painful in and of itself
Using the name of the person who died does not hurt us, not using it does
As a fellow human you possess the ability to respond to us in a loving, compassionate manner
Listen
Do not use the passing of our loved one as an opportunity to preach the meaning or lessons of life
Open your heart
Be patient when the bereaved need space
And show up
Two days
Two weeks
Two months
Two and even twenty-two years later through a card, message, or in person to say, “I am thinking of you!”
Refrain from claiming we are going through this because we are strong or because our loved one was too good for this world
Do not judge the timeframe of the grieving process
Remember, grief is permanent
Instead, pull up a seat, listen, learn, expand, and walk with us until we are able to see a color beyond blue again