Honest + Naked

a space for nurturing authenticity

Grief

By

On January 8, 2020

In Uncategorized

My husband asked me to take a photo of the sky this past Saturday. I am grateful he did. As I look back on the sunset images, I am reminded the universe continuously nudges me as I traipse along. For me, this image reflected something greater, perhaps even Winnie herself, winking at us.

I cannot believe 2020 is here for many reasons. 2019 is a bittersweet chapter in our book of life: The year we met our daughter and the year we faced the arduous journey of learning to live without her. For us, there is not a feeling of “Good Riddance to 2019” or “Happy New Year 2020” because a considerable portion of ourselves never wishes to leave the year behind, nor will we. We carry it with us… all the magnificence and adversity.

Consider this a disclaimer. I will never stop honoring or talking about 2019 or all of its subsequent lessons in love, grief, and loss. In the last ten months, we have experienced what feels like a lifetime. One of the layers of experience include an unknowing and awkwardness from many friends, colleagues, community members, and family in how to support us. Sometimes these tendencies have shown up in unhelpful ways such as anger and avoidance. There is a preferred, more holistic, and healing way to channel this uncertainty.

In fact, start with the breath. Drink in a few deep inhalations accompanied by complete exhalations. You can do this. You are a comforting supporter. Humanity is elevated as a result.

The following are a few options to consider as you support those enduring the hardships of loss:

No loss is the same

Grief is permanent

Some losses never heal

Listening is one of the best gifts to offer the grieving

Offer to attend a support group with the bereaved

Loss is not contagious

Make good on your offers

Although hard, just try to imagine what the loss may feel like to endure

At times, survivors can perceive only holding two choices: to opt out or hang on which requires facing reintegration

Reintegration is the process of relearning to live and interact with the world as it is, without the person they love in it

Reintegration is not kind but rather painful in and of itself

Using the name of the person who died does not hurt us, not using it does

As a fellow human you possess the ability to respond to us in a loving, compassionate manner

Listen

Do not use the passing of our loved one as an opportunity to preach the meaning or lessons of life

Open your heart

Be patient when the bereaved need space

And show up
Two days
Two weeks
Two months
Two and even twenty-two years later through a card, message, or in person to say, “I am thinking of you!”

Refrain from claiming we are going through this because we are strong or because our loved one was too good for this world

Do not judge the timeframe of the grieving process

Remember, grief is permanent

Instead, pull up a seat, listen, learn, expand, and walk with us until we are able to see a color beyond blue again

Golden Nugget

By

On April 8, 2019

In Uncategorized

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Many of you know William & I chose to keep the sex of our baby a surprise.

On Monday, March 18th, my husband was the first to find out… exclaiming, “She’s a girl! She’s a girl!”

And so we named her Winston Sheri. 

Meaning happy, strong, Stone of Joy; a darling, Dear loved one who is gracious & delicate. She is these things and more.

One of the questions I dislike is, “How did she die?” I believe a much more powerful question is “How did she live?’

Winston’s purpose was grand.  A wellspring of creation, she is magic who touched many during her time at home & at Primary Children’s Hospital. An ocean of love flowed from her heart. The heart connects everything, from the biological to the transcendent consciousness. I believe Baby Winnie manifested this connection in giving life as a heart valve donor. Winston knew death is not something to be feared. She taught me the natural parting of the soul from the temple which houses it is a peaceful journey.

Winnie, when I stray, lost for hope in the present moment, I will remember you in your perfect state of creation, joy, and happiness. I will remember our chapstick-kisses, your dragon calls, glamourous nails, and dinosaur feet. I will remember your heart is in my  heart and my heart is broken wide open because your Golden Light and Eternal Strength pours through it. Thank you for loving me so profoundly. I am grateful to have experienced presence as rich and as pure as yours. You will continue as my inspiration for my higher purpose.

Over the years of my Yoga teaching career, I’ve sealed many classes with the following quote by L.R. Knost:

“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it is ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”

I love you, Winston “Winnie” Sheri Wallingford.

There is nothing like you, there was nothing like you, and there shall be nothing like you.

You are magnificent.

Thank you for being our breathtakingly beautiful Little Lady.

Winston

By

On March 28, 2019

In Uncategorized

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Winston “Winnie” Sheri Wallingford 

Our little lady Golden Nugget entered this external existence March 18th, 2019.

Our hearts are profoundly grateful for the ten days our sweet Winnie held us in her presence; she is a brave, beautiful, warrior-dragon princess. 

In the abundance of the morning light, Winston left her physical form, surrounded by her father, mother, & brother. Though Winnie’s earthly body is no longer with us, she remains living through those her organs will save, the many who met her precious strength, & those who learn her story of limitless love.

Winnie is an angel of endless hope, who awakened the depths of our souls just as winter awakens to spring. Winston, we hold space for you. Dad & I are here… as a reminder of your infinite imagination. We vow to feel for you, to hear you, to listen to understand, to hold you, to love you, and pay forward your unconditional love. Winnie girl fly free you wise, selfless giver.

Human

By

On March 16, 2019

In Uncategorized

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I’m an interesting human.

A good friend reminded me today how beautifully complicated I am. He loves me for my complexity because it is part of me & I unabashedly own it. The conversation transpired days following my husband kindly pointing out my tendency to over-analyze, therefore over-extend effort or thought into exhaustion. Sometimes I just need to pull the trigger. Complicated analyzer of trigger-pulling, I also revel in a simple approach to living. Simple, functional design is my zen.

This is me. Full of dichotomies, I openly share many layers of my emotions as a writer, public teacher, & speaker. I am also very private– selective of who I share my life, time, & heart with. I am content with my contrast. Not wrong, nor right, just me now.

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I wrote this piece over a month ago, yet refrained from publishing… saved in my secret world of drafts. Just because we have something to say, doesn’t mean we need to say it. The timing might not be divine. Our intent may not be pure. A relatively newer habit of mine is to check in with myself:

“Self, what is your purpose in sharing this information, or asking that question. Are you driving from the ego seat?”

If the head or heart mind nods up & down in response, take a minute. Rethink.

Thirty nine weeks & 6 days into my first, full-term pregnancy, I am discovering & rethinking many versions of myself…

I am strong.

I am mother.

I am soft.

I am voice.

I am inspiration.

I am intuition.

I am possibility.

I quiver a little less when I speak my truth.

I am not one hundred percent certain of sharing a baby bump photo in cyberspace.

I love the photo of my babies cuddling together; I revere it as one of my most sacred images.

I am open to sharing my sacredness as a way of extending light & love into the world.

I believe the human race flourishes on light & love.

I am zest for life.

I refuse to make negative circumstances my focus.

I am researcher.

I travel a pathless path anchored in ever-growing patience & friendly humor.

I am nurturing.

I choose my focus.

Individuals have asked me to write about my experience as an expectant mother.

This is what I’ve got:

I am evolution.

Plus a few more note-worthy items…

Ask before touching someone’s belly.

Pregnant women may need a listening ear much more than a boisterous mouth spewing unsolicited advice.

Just because a woman has never birthed before, does not mean they are not a mother.

Don’t assume gestational months are like a sunlit stroll of flowers & everything nice.

Keep questions open-ended: How are you feeling?

Versus: Have you enjoyed the best thing that has EVER happened to you?

Then consider skipping the how are you feeling question every day for at least four weeks leading up to the expected delivery date.

Ask: How could I support you?

Seriously though, I may feel like vomiting on you if you touch my belly there.

Some women experience a fire-breathing dragon phase named Heartburn Indigestion, also known as living, breathing hell. Watch out & don’t wave your judgy fingers when they act cranky or don’t wish to socialize.

DO NOT tell a pregnant woman she is going to lose her womanly figure.

Not genderizing baby, a.k.a. finding out whether the child is arriving biologically equipped with a penis or a vagina, pre their arrival is not CRAZY.

Encourage the pregnant mommies you know to follow their instincts. Encouragement can serve as an empowering pick-me up, a needed reminder (we’re increasingly forgetful), and free gift-giving experience all in one.

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I am an interesting human.

I am growth.

I am transformation.

I stand upon a precipice of ever-expanding change & I smile bravely.

 

 

 

 

Bittersweet

By

On January 23, 2019

In Uncategorized

Last night seemed surreal.

As I stepped up to the podium to read my words from the piece “Due Date“ in front of a local community of artists, writers, givers, teachers, and fellow human beings, I floated. Months of notice on my work’s inclusion in The 2019 SLCC Community Anthology, Tide, could not prepare me for the half-in-and-half-out-of-my-body-experience. The reading unexpectedly caught me off guard by proving rather difficult. I’ve read and re-read those words many times over. I know them; they are my truth, my heart. I am also somewhat practiced in sharing my truth. So what possibly could be the root of my shakiness?

The moment.

The moment couldn’t be rehearsed or re-read. The moment unlocked parts of sacred emotions stored within me, something I could not anticipate. I could not predict the depths of my truth. Losing a baby is hard. And nothing ever changes it. Not even pregnancy.

Because there I stood, 32 weeks and 1 day along my second pregnancy journey– one year, two weeks, and three days to when I miscarried– where all time encircled me as one. I wandered across a thought revolving the recent Lunar Eclipse and how our bodies parallel the shift with a monumentous karmic purge by means of bodily changes, big emotions, and traumas surfacing in the name of letting go of crowded energies. Peculiar may begin to describe what I felt pregnant, standing among strangers, mourning for a life lost. Guilt’s another good one. Guilty of being pregnant and sad. Sad for the pain endured, not just by me but by all the mommies and daddies out there who’ve felt the same kind of gut-tugging grief. I don’t know one ever moves past it, just through, with a scarlet scar on the other side.

I struggle with the question, “Is this your first?” upon someone taking in my rounded belly.

Today I found the courage to answer authentically, “No it’s not…”

My first angel is somewhere… with yours and hers and his. Our lights of infinite love and compassion. Many people thanked me last night for sharing what I wrote back in July 2018, a time where I believed period bloat overtook me. All along, I was pregnant. These threads of human experiences weave deep.

 

 

 

Knowing

By

On October 24, 2018

In Uncategorized

I came into a deep knowing

In the people business am I

People over money

People over things

You cannot take them

When you die

Slow down

Even more still

Listen

The answers arrive

In the listening ear

Arrive

Here now

Be present

Choose to lean into life’s flow

You are limitless

Not defined

By boundaries

Opinions

The past

Or irrelevant subliminal messages designed to infiltrate your mind

Your way of being

Human being you are

Be human

Feel, speak, be wounded

Relearn to soar even higher

And share about your scars

We’re in this together

To help one another

This beating heart is one

Connected

I & They

Of the One together

Slow down

Just a little bit more

To listen

To see

You are the author

You create your destiny

Transcend

By

On October 3, 2018

In Uncategorized

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I’ve been an instructor of movement for five years now.

I’ll forever be a student.

Just recently, I’ve felt a fuller digestion of human movement science, the body’s physical function, and alignment: Transcending the head space or analytical approach to movement, entering the heart space of inner knowing and mastery.

I’ve practiced Yoga for over a decade. This morning I remembered why I keep returning to my mat. Like the first dive into water upon spring’s edge, I immersed myself in layers of a fresh, invigorating cleanse. Pure & unafraid to be exactly as I am.

I released deeply held anger.

I fortified my connection to all that is. One with space, I felt fluid. I saw myself, aware of my internal truth. Eyes closed or open, the truth is there within. I embody it. Thank you to my instructor, a fellow conduit, who assisted my arriving. I am home. Slow, calm, intentful, breathing love. I am Transcendence.

Define You.

By

On August 22, 2018

In Uncategorized

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Recently, I caught up with a colleague.

When she asked me how I was and what was new in life, I responded whole-heartedly,

I am well.

Life is full of so much good.

& I am simultaneously being challenged by many negative, external forces.

We continued to expand upon personal experiences with said negative external forces, sharing how we choose to let them shape us. We choose how we let them shape us. The colleague & I settled on the aforementioned conclusion, noting the negative shows its face as a test, while highlighting all of the surrounding abundance.

Abundance, abundance, abundance. Say it with me…

Abundance is omnipresent. Feel it. See it. Know it. Despite any & all negativity, abundance exists. Your perspective is the differentiating factor.

Let’s take a therapeutic approach to this concept with a list of items you can control:

  • Your words
  • Your actions
  • Your ideas
  • Your play
  • Your effort
  • Your mistakes
  • Your behavior

You hold the power to create your greatest reality. Life does not serve you more than you can handle. You have everything you need within you. When you become distracted by other people’s bullshit, actions, words, etc., come back to you. Define you. Define all the bullets on the list you can control. How do you speak? How do you speak when someone degrades you? What inspires you? How do you act & behave even in the midst of chaos? Yes, there are circumstances we cannot predict; however, we can invest time outlining our personal intent to best prepare ourselves for unknown variables. Intent is one of the most compelling human capacities. Design your intent with a conscious focus. What kind of person are you going to show up as when someone is being publicly accosted? How are you going to play with your children? What kind of effort do you want to be known for?

You choose what binds you.

You, my friend, define you.

One Year: A Letter on Love

By

On August 13, 2018

In Uncategorized

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One Year.

Nine.

Fifteen.

Newlyweds; yet hardly.

People ask, “How’s the married life?”

The response?

“Perfectly imperfect, just like all the other years of waves we’ve ridden together…”

I am just now grasping how to purely love.

I knew you a lifetime ago. Bleach-blonde hair chatting clever remarks behind me on a hill of a baseball park. One look and I felt up to knowing you for much more than our springtime meet cute.

We’ve learned so much: How to work together professionally on a daily basis;

How to rebound from screw-ups;

How to design, build, and problem solve as a team.

I am your sous chef & creative eye.

You are my head cook & tool man.

Journeyman to apprentice. Lover to best friend who’s slept over too many nights in a row, we’ve discovered we need breaks— “Me time” is healthy & key to us being able to look at each other as much as a working couple does.

I respect you and your win-win approach to living. You exist in a caliber all your own— where you give people your utmost best; where your kindness, integrity, and selflessness inspires me. Many miss it, even some of the closest to you. I see you. I watch your actions as they prove the power of your intent. The callousness you experience, like resistance to good, is a reminder of the Yin to the Yang of all things. Breathe my love, you’ve got this & me by your side.

We’re grasping how to disagree with compassion, understanding nothing binds us or divides us unless we allow. May we continue to progress, bettering ourselves and as such, the pulsing being which is us.

Happy Anniversary, William.

 

Love,

Your Wife

 

 

 

Due Date

By

On July 18, 2018

In Uncategorized

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July 2018

This is it. We’re here. My due date month, though we are no longer pregnant, it’s still our month. As I sit here at our flame-lit kitchen table with tear painted cheeks and summer cocktail in reach, I am reminded of what could have been.

I am bloated today. Not because I am 9 months pregnant amidst the dry Utah July. But because I am premenstrual (A recurring aide-mémoire: Our baby will not be arriving).

I hear the rumble of an orange wagon drum by as a Father pushes his dinosaur-dressed son past my home and I laugh out loud at the simpleness.
The beauty.
The sorrow.
The unknown of whether or not pushing my dinosaur-donned kiddo will ever be my path.

Or if I even want it…

I watch a video of our friend’s newborn son and I find myself so happy-meets-deep-down-sadness at the realization that I don’t even know if our baby would have been a boy, a girl, or babies, plural.

I dreamt about our baby not long after our miscarriage…
A beautiful boy with a face of Buddha Joy. I’m not sure if he is our Angel passed or Angel to come.

I’m not sure I’m sure of much.

When you ask someone if they have kiddos, keep in mind the possible sensitivity of the question & please meet the answer of miscarriage with compassion. I am not trying to Debbie Downer you. I am juggling how to answer authentically while not drowning us in details.

Right now I am focusing on making the most of each moment. Enjoying my life, those I love within it, holding in full acceptance the moments I break out crying at the sound of a little one’s voice cutely asking his mom and dad a question about pool time.

July 2018 will forever hold a place in my story, my heartbreak, my perseverance.

I love you, baby Angel Wallingford.

 

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